I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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