just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
