We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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