he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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