I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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