i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
