Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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