She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize