that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You ruined the universe
Randomize
