my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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