please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
