It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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