cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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