is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
