if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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