Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
