when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
do nipples grow back?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize