You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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