How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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