I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That accounts for only three of the penises
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
