so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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