I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
