I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
