The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
