I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
