the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So squirting runs in the family.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
