omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize