Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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