All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
