Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
