my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
