i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
