Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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