it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
