I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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