Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
