You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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