Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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