Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
