There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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