I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
