I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
