Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
