my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
