What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
