I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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