yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
cat food counts as protein by the way
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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