I feel like abortions should bother me more
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
