EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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