I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
