This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
