That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
