'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
