He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
