So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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