The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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