you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
