my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
