New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
